is it time?

[x_shadowcat]

Can I do it...

I've done it in private. Jubes can attest. She's heard me every night...

I've done it with small groups, with Rogue and the Professor and Piotr, and everybody's helped.

And if purging is good for the soul, maybe I should just buckle down and be broken in public...

...

but i'm not really all that broken, really, i just can't keep solid, but i'm used to that. when i first did it i couldn't keep solid and it'll come back and i'll be in control again...


and maybe he went away and isn't coming back and i really want him to come back. please come back. please come home!


...


my world went 'splode, and now people are going to try and make it better, but it's not getting better and maybe it can't get better but i want it to be so i keep trying and then every night he's not here and i'm afraid and i wake up with tear tracks gumming up my eyes and they scream and i'm not solid and some day maybe i'm never going to be solid again and they won't be able to touch me, and if they can't touch me they can't hurt me but they already did.

...

um, yeah...

you have no idea how much i want to delete that all and make it go away so you can't see it.

the delete button. it's a magical thing...

but i can't delete the fact that i feel... um, that i feel bad. Trust me, I tried.

So I'll post it, and admit and be honest and all that. Hey, what else is a journal for if not honest soul ripping? Admitidly, normally the whole world can't see it. Well, you all aren't the whole world, but you're my world.

And I guess I owe it to all of you as much as to myself to stop running away from ... from everything.

x_psylocke, that offer to help with the phasing still open?

Comments

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

I'm proud of you. Man, I am going to wear that phrase out where you're concerned, Kitty. I am, though. You need anything, you tell me. I'll come sleep in your room if you need me there. And, yeah, learning to be broken gracefully is a skill that needs mastering early if you're us. You're doing well. Broken in the open is closer to fixed than you think.