is it time?

[x_shadowcat]

Can I do it...

I've done it in private. Jubes can attest. She's heard me every night...

I've done it with small groups, with Rogue and the Professor and Piotr, and everybody's helped.

And if purging is good for the soul, maybe I should just buckle down and be broken in public...

...

but i'm not really all that broken, really, i just can't keep solid, but i'm used to that. when i first did it i couldn't keep solid and it'll come back and i'll be in control again...


and maybe he went away and isn't coming back and i really want him to come back. please come back. please come home!


...


my world went 'splode, and now people are going to try and make it better, but it's not getting better and maybe it can't get better but i want it to be so i keep trying and then every night he's not here and i'm afraid and i wake up with tear tracks gumming up my eyes and they scream and i'm not solid and some day maybe i'm never going to be solid again and they won't be able to touch me, and if they can't touch me they can't hurt me but they already did.

...

um, yeah...

you have no idea how much i want to delete that all and make it go away so you can't see it.

the delete button. it's a magical thing...

but i can't delete the fact that i feel... um, that i feel bad. Trust me, I tried.

So I'll post it, and admit and be honest and all that. Hey, what else is a journal for if not honest soul ripping? Admitidly, normally the whole world can't see it. Well, you all aren't the whole world, but you're my world.

And I guess I owe it to all of you as much as to myself to stop running away from ... from everything.

x_psylocke, that offer to help with the phasing still open?

Comments

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

I'm proud of you. Man, I am going to wear that phrase out where you're concerned, Kitty. I am, though. You need anything, you tell me. I'll come sleep in your room if you need me there. And, yeah, learning to be broken gracefully is a skill that needs mastering early if you're us. You're doing well. Broken in the open is closer to fixed than you think.

[x-piotr.livejournal.com]

It will be okay Katya.. I promise. I will do anything I can to help you get not broken.

Re:

[x-kitten.livejournal.com]

thank you.

[x-crowdofone.livejournal.com]

I wasn't here. And where I was was a good, safe place, which means I probably can't understand what you guys went through.

But I think it also means I'm in good enough shape to help you all out while you get back on your feet. I meant what I said in my post tonight about doing anything I can. Way I was raised, if you can do something good for someone, you should. I don't know much about helping people with their powers, but I had a bad six months before I figured mine out even as much as I have, so I guess I know something about how scary and frustrating that can be.

I'm here now. And that means I'm here for you, and everybody else. And I'm staying, no matter how hairy it gets.

Re:

[x-kitten.livejournal.com]

Thanks Jamie. I may take you up on that, if only for multiple hugs.

And I'm glad you were somewhere safe. I wouldn't wish what happened on you or anyone else.

[x-crowdofone.livejournal.com]

Nobody's better at group hugs than me. Anytime. :)

[x-siryn.livejournal.com]

::hugs you thightly:: I am so sorry.

*looks worried*

[x-rahne.livejournal.com]

Kitty?

...I couldn't change back at first either, at least, it took me two nights to figure out how.

But... well, I could the other couple of times I tried, and the only thing Reverend Craig or I could think of that becoming a wolf could be good for, that wouldn't hurt anything, would be when somebody needed a dog. To feel better, that is. Since it helps sometimes. I think. So if you like dogs, I could do that. I promise I don't bite.

You've been really nice at the airport and about showing me where things are and trying to make me feel at home, and if I could do anything....

Re: *looks worried*

[x-kitten.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks sweetie. Sometime I may take you up on that, but I can think of lots of things being a wolf would be good for.

Right now I'm just trying to get my head back in order...

[x-cannonball.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Sometimes, all you need is your friends.

We're all here for you, and I'm sure you know that. :) You'll be fine. We'll all be fine. That's what we're here for. To get through stuff together.